I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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