Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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