The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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