just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
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Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
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I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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