u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I didn't notice because vodka
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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