I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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