You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
