I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
