lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
