If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
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For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
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Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it