I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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