Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dicks are not precious.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
