just come out here and I will go home with you...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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