I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
