I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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