my vag is so smooth its legendary
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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