Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
