the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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