yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
