I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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