Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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