Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
