Im at strip club and am horny
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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