what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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