It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
