If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Everyone says I win the strip club
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
