This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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