the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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