I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
