you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
