I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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