I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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