So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
