I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
