I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
