I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
