the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
