3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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