If that was your dad, he is hot
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
