I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
