Don't make out with my wife yet
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
