R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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