I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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