matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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