The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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