Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
