i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
