we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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