And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
