I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
