Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
