I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
