my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
