she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
