the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
