you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
