I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
